Went paint balling at the church paint ball course with the youth group. I was reasonably excited till I saw the full face mask. Yuck I hate having something cover my face. In fact it feels like I won't be able to breathe. They say that fear of suffocating is a normal response for near drowning victims. That wasnt all of it. I normally abhor guns.... I know not very manly. There is just to much power a gun gives a person and in all honesty I do not trust myself to own a gun. So I am good with that and am reasonably okay. But with abhoring guns comes not knowing how to shoot a gun or even to turn off a gun safety. It went south quickly for me and I get nailed within the first few minutes. I was frustrated that I could not get my safety turned off. So off the course I go; mad and frustrated and on the verge of shutting down for the day.
I go back into the course for another try. So this whole thing is akward to me. You take cover and you look around and you see no one. Oh baby this is fun. So I think I must get closer to the action. So I move to the middle barrels and become and open target. I may as well have just stood up and let everyone shoot me. It did not even cross my mind to move around the outside of the course. I just hate that feeling of looking stupid. It is not just looking stupid I hate, it is looking quirky, dorky and being overall open and vulnerable.
I fight being vulnerable whereever I can. I keep guarded and where a mask most of the time. I know it is wrong and it gets me know closer in my relationship with others and ultimately in my relationship with God. I waste so much time in life being guarded. I always need to play it safe... stay on the fringe where there is no risk. Push me out of my comfort zone and I fail and quit just like always. When I am faced with risk and potential discomfort I flee. No one look no can know that I am afraid and feel less than. Being a loner is okay isnt it? Dont anyone answer that question I am smart enough to know the answer. What is the harm of being vulnerable? Okay dont think I dont know the answer to that question either.
I admit... I am an approval seeker. I need approval.... BUT I am afraid to take off the mask in fear that somebody will see the weak other side of me and judge and I will in turn judge myself. I need to quit seeking approval but like any addiction, I need it. What that says about me is I am not comfortable in my skin... I dont like who I am or who God created me to be. This has to be the hardest area in life to break free from. I am willing to accept wearing a mask as okay, but am not okay with the consequences of feeling isolated and rejected. Sad but true. I have spent a lifetime being loner. Even in a room with many people, or with my family I feel alone. The world has always been a place to fear and has always been a place to receive rejection.
My counselor says that when I am truly ready to be free and stop holding on to the past hurt and pain willl be the degree of how fast things change for the better in my life. Really if I would just let go and let God ALL the way into those areas and not hold back then the quicker life could be different. I am like the hobo that holds onto his napsack for dear life... holding onto those few possessions that he holds dear. His grip is tight and no one can take that napsack from his hands. Even when people offer to help him out of his life of being a hobo, he holds on to that napsack... thats all he knows. But deep down he knows there is a better way but someone is bound to the napsack.
That is how I feel. I have done all this counseling for a long time. I know what is there and for some reason, even though I want it to be gone, I just keep holding onto it. How discouraging. I just dont seem to get to where I want to go in life. Not sure how long I can keep doing this rat-race. I know God is patient and loves me immensely, so at least I can hold to the fact that he wont walk out on me... I know I would walk out on me. Really... I so want life to be different. I always seem to find the brick wall. I usually stop and feel hopeless and bang my head and bang my head. As the pain gets intense I find myself asking the same question... Why? Why am I always finding myself right here. I cant go around the wall, I cant climb the wall, I cant break the wall.... so like always I just turn around and quit. Then when I get sick of the bottom of the pit, I get up again hopeful I can get somewhere and I always seem to find the brick wall.
God I know I am completely unable to get through this wall.... out of desparation I cry out and ask You to remove the wall. I am tired and cant seem to get up and keep pounding on the wall. I know I have a pure heart that desires the truth in the inner most parts of my being... The problem is, it is just desire. When the light comes and it begins to find its way to the pain I freak and run. I must not really trust the Father heart of God. I must be afraid of Him. I must not really believe that he can heal the pain, hurt and a lifetime of disappointment. Why I ask... the bible tells me over and over that He can.
God I stand here with nothing else, empty hands... getting tired of holding up the mask and being alone. I have been here at this crossroads before MANY MANY times. You always show up and I always say the same old stuff. Just when I think I have meant business when I say "I surrender" I really am not.
So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all. So I'll stand my soul Lord to You surrendered all I am is yours.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Gluten Intolerant
As of June 1, 2009 I have been on an elimination diet to check for food allergies. Eleven things are eliminated from my diet ie gluten, dairy, eggs, soy, sugar, nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, peppers) red meat, corn, alcohol, coffee, peanuts; then after three weeks I get to introduce one food group at a time.
On the day of introduction you eat the specific foodgroup for two meals. Then I wait... wait for reactions... for 72 hours. If nothing happens I get to keep that food group and add the next. Obviously if a reaction does occur, then you eliminate that food group permanently. Well I have add the first four food groups back and keeping only eggs and soy. I had a mild reaction to dairy and reacted to the gluten with indigestion, anxiousness, inability to focus yada yada.
Why am I blogging about my health you ask...
At my normal Wednesday lunch my mom informs me she had looked back at my medical records from when I was a baby and she remembers that I had a mild reaction to wheat. As time passed I had no visible reactions to gluten, so nothing was ever said and after 45 years my mom had forgotten that I had an allergy. During that time I developed a food favoritism to bread. I loved bread, sourdough, rye, pumpernickle, seeded, bagels, english muffins. I just loved bread. Then I discovered oil dipping... dredging bread cubes through olive oil. Oh and dont forget my other food allergy dairy. Cheese fondu with bread cubes. It makes me want to kill to have it now.
So whats the big deal... people who are gluten intolerant and still continue eating gluten, rob their body organs of nutrition because the body can not absorb the nutrition it needs to feed them. So my symptoms were weight gain, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, anxiety, panic, depression, random circular thought patterns... all classic signs of a gluten allergy.
After seeing the naturopath for two and a half years, he decided to try me on the elimination diet to check for the obvious.
Cut back to my lunch yesterday. When my mom told me of the allergy I had an internal reaction and it wasnt allergic. Finally an explanation to some of the physical misery I have lived with my whole life. No the gluten is not the answer to the emotional issues, but it gives an anser to why... why I could feel like a normal person one day and not the next. After the anger subsided, I had to reassure her that doctors did not know what they know today about gluten allergies back in the 60's. I think she felt bad. I know I would if I knew my kid was physically suffering and I knew but didnt really know. I am grown up enough not to hold this against her. The anger comes from all the time lost feeling abnormally anxious, never being able to shut down the circular thought, the up and down mood swings etc. I did not have to live life like that.
I have to remind myself that God will add this major piece of my life to my history, my personal testimony. It will be neatly tucked away with the other emotional issues from my past, and someday I will encounter someone like me and I will have the deepest compassion and understanding.... because of my story...........
On the day of introduction you eat the specific foodgroup for two meals. Then I wait... wait for reactions... for 72 hours. If nothing happens I get to keep that food group and add the next. Obviously if a reaction does occur, then you eliminate that food group permanently. Well I have add the first four food groups back and keeping only eggs and soy. I had a mild reaction to dairy and reacted to the gluten with indigestion, anxiousness, inability to focus yada yada.
Why am I blogging about my health you ask...
At my normal Wednesday lunch my mom informs me she had looked back at my medical records from when I was a baby and she remembers that I had a mild reaction to wheat. As time passed I had no visible reactions to gluten, so nothing was ever said and after 45 years my mom had forgotten that I had an allergy. During that time I developed a food favoritism to bread. I loved bread, sourdough, rye, pumpernickle, seeded, bagels, english muffins. I just loved bread. Then I discovered oil dipping... dredging bread cubes through olive oil. Oh and dont forget my other food allergy dairy. Cheese fondu with bread cubes. It makes me want to kill to have it now.
So whats the big deal... people who are gluten intolerant and still continue eating gluten, rob their body organs of nutrition because the body can not absorb the nutrition it needs to feed them. So my symptoms were weight gain, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, anxiety, panic, depression, random circular thought patterns... all classic signs of a gluten allergy.
After seeing the naturopath for two and a half years, he decided to try me on the elimination diet to check for the obvious.
Cut back to my lunch yesterday. When my mom told me of the allergy I had an internal reaction and it wasnt allergic. Finally an explanation to some of the physical misery I have lived with my whole life. No the gluten is not the answer to the emotional issues, but it gives an anser to why... why I could feel like a normal person one day and not the next. After the anger subsided, I had to reassure her that doctors did not know what they know today about gluten allergies back in the 60's. I think she felt bad. I know I would if I knew my kid was physically suffering and I knew but didnt really know. I am grown up enough not to hold this against her. The anger comes from all the time lost feeling abnormally anxious, never being able to shut down the circular thought, the up and down mood swings etc. I did not have to live life like that.
I have to remind myself that God will add this major piece of my life to my history, my personal testimony. It will be neatly tucked away with the other emotional issues from my past, and someday I will encounter someone like me and I will have the deepest compassion and understanding.... because of my story...........
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sadness... is okay sometimes
I think I am okay allowing myself to feel sad sometimes. I guess it reminds me of my humanity and that deep down I feel more than I can say or put words too. Today it is more than sadness it is grieving too. It is acknowledging change and coming to terms with it. It is the internal struggle that wants to scurry around and put things back to the way they used to be before things started changing.
As of today, I think we have laid off 11 people from our Oregon operations. It is like death in a way; as long as it does not visit my back yard it is all okay. I am sure those I barely knew who are scrambling around in despair wondering how they will find gameful work in hard times are experiencing sadness too. It is not until someone close to you, your friends, get the visit from the ominous pink slip. We are sorry, long term employee, but like every other Oregon company, we are not experiencing growth like we had in recent years back and we will no longer be able to keep you employed here.
Although the pink slip has not fallen on my desk asking me to pack my few things into a box, I grieve for those who have lost. A lost job just a few years before retirement with no spouse to pick up the pieces. Sitting alone in their homes as night closes the day... wondering how long will what I have be taken from me; is it even possible to regain employment even if only for a few years before they can draw monthly social security checks. The dreadful fear that the life they lived, whether good or not, will change and be lived the same way it had. The questions fill their minds of "why" "why is this happening to me?" "what will I do" "how will this turn out" "what if I run out of money". I am scared for them.
I would not make a good manager. I love people more than I love money. I could never make the required hard decision. My head wants to feel anger. Why weren't younger people let go so my older friends could coast out until retirement. Is that fair and equitable for the company as a whole? I can not answer that question. I will not answer that question. To give an answer, I fear, might require that I begin to think more about company and less about people.
Oh Rob Smucker if you could hear me now. We are more alike than you know.
As of today, I think we have laid off 11 people from our Oregon operations. It is like death in a way; as long as it does not visit my back yard it is all okay. I am sure those I barely knew who are scrambling around in despair wondering how they will find gameful work in hard times are experiencing sadness too. It is not until someone close to you, your friends, get the visit from the ominous pink slip. We are sorry, long term employee, but like every other Oregon company, we are not experiencing growth like we had in recent years back and we will no longer be able to keep you employed here.
Although the pink slip has not fallen on my desk asking me to pack my few things into a box, I grieve for those who have lost. A lost job just a few years before retirement with no spouse to pick up the pieces. Sitting alone in their homes as night closes the day... wondering how long will what I have be taken from me; is it even possible to regain employment even if only for a few years before they can draw monthly social security checks. The dreadful fear that the life they lived, whether good or not, will change and be lived the same way it had. The questions fill their minds of "why" "why is this happening to me?" "what will I do" "how will this turn out" "what if I run out of money". I am scared for them.
I would not make a good manager. I love people more than I love money. I could never make the required hard decision. My head wants to feel anger. Why weren't younger people let go so my older friends could coast out until retirement. Is that fair and equitable for the company as a whole? I can not answer that question. I will not answer that question. To give an answer, I fear, might require that I begin to think more about company and less about people.
Oh Rob Smucker if you could hear me now. We are more alike than you know.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Bradycardia.....
I had my first EKG last Friday. I had 12 electrodes taped to my chest and then plugged into a machine for 30 seconds or less. Then the lab tech pulled each one of those 12 electrodes from my chest one at a time. It was like waxing my chest hairs or something. Grit your teeth and pull out chest hair; maybe there are bald spots.... LOL
My body seems wacked again. Trouble sleeping through the night, had nightmares and panic attacks in the night. Digestion is out of sorts so some days it is the boot scoots and then the opposite affect happens. Had chest pains that were unexplainable. Just all around crappy again; then I equal out for no reason. Off to the doctors. I made it out of that visit without having my prostrate checked. Gotta love that. Doc listened to my heart and listened and listene. Of course being the doctor he says nothing and I being unsuspecting just go along with the nothingness.
After the EKG was complete I am asked, by the tech, if I am an athlete. Well that is hysterical because I have never been an athlete. I do run three times a week but I that does not constitute being an athlete. Why? your heart rate is as slow as an athletes heart rate. Then she called it Bradycardia. Well what the heck is that already?
Anything under 60 bpm constitutes Bradycardia... I am beating at 48 bpm. Of course I have to go out to the internet to learn more. Sometimes more is too much. At the very least nothing will be done at the worst a pacemaker. Now that is scary stuff. The bradycardia could be a result of an underactive thyroid.
With all the said I am okay with whatever result. I just want to feel GOOD. Sometimes I can feel good all day go to bed wake up the next day and feel like crap. No one seems to want to listen and most want to say its psychosomatic. I dont want to hear that again and I dont want something seriously wrong either... just answers; that does not seem unreasonable.
Being worried wont help so I will just put it out of my mind for now....
My body seems wacked again. Trouble sleeping through the night, had nightmares and panic attacks in the night. Digestion is out of sorts so some days it is the boot scoots and then the opposite affect happens. Had chest pains that were unexplainable. Just all around crappy again; then I equal out for no reason. Off to the doctors. I made it out of that visit without having my prostrate checked. Gotta love that. Doc listened to my heart and listened and listene. Of course being the doctor he says nothing and I being unsuspecting just go along with the nothingness.
After the EKG was complete I am asked, by the tech, if I am an athlete. Well that is hysterical because I have never been an athlete. I do run three times a week but I that does not constitute being an athlete. Why? your heart rate is as slow as an athletes heart rate. Then she called it Bradycardia. Well what the heck is that already?
Anything under 60 bpm constitutes Bradycardia... I am beating at 48 bpm. Of course I have to go out to the internet to learn more. Sometimes more is too much. At the very least nothing will be done at the worst a pacemaker. Now that is scary stuff. The bradycardia could be a result of an underactive thyroid.
With all the said I am okay with whatever result. I just want to feel GOOD. Sometimes I can feel good all day go to bed wake up the next day and feel like crap. No one seems to want to listen and most want to say its psychosomatic. I dont want to hear that again and I dont want something seriously wrong either... just answers; that does not seem unreasonable.
Being worried wont help so I will just put it out of my mind for now....
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Speak to my heart
I subscribe to a blog of an instructor I had at the local community college. She is blind but one of the happiest content people I know. She is an amazing woman and I could only dream of being as fulfilled at life as she is. I have A LOT of work to catch up to her. I know its possible.
I have copied a section from her blog. It goes like this....
Perfectionism Kills
At this point I realized for once and forever that I would never please this Voice inside me. Every time I succeeded, this Voice would just up the ante and I would be a failure again.
Obviously I only gave you a snippet. Actually this not just a snippet... it is a frigging two edged sword. After I laughed with her other dialogue, I was wiping the tears from eyes. This is exactly what happens to me. I get a leg up in life and all goes well then out of know where I get kicked back down from the voice of perfectionism. I never will measure up to the voice. If the voice only knew it was far from perfect.
The writer concludes by saying she sent her internal voice on a vacation and decided she was going to have fun. She turns every situation good or bad into a whimsical lyric or a big laugh or something light. She accepts that she will never be perfect but she will die trying being the best she can be. Wow someone else told me that not long ago. When we can accept our own imperfections and limitations, we also are more accepting of those around us that maneuver life differently.
When I am not content with myself and trying to please that unpleaseable voice, I expect others to live up to the unpleaseable voice too then no one wins, high drama follows and then comes the damage control. Wow all that can be avoided by just cutting myself slack to be myself. I am not perfect now or never will be. Time to move on.
Friday, April 10, 2009
I've tripped and can't seem to get up.
I lost a dear friend this week. I think it knocked me off my good space. I am not sure what or how it happened. I don't think I have allowed myself to grieve yet. But one thing I can say I am not in my good space. I miss it! I know I need to get up, but when I try my head and heart stay down. It's like I need a good shaking. Man somehow I have found that ability to get into a happy place and somehow I am not there and feel like I am kicking and scratching to get back and cant. Somehow I have figured out how to rise up quickly when I feel the earth sweep out from underneath me, but this week feels the camping week from hell 2008. I cant go back there... NO WAY. I have prayed "God HELP me"; I know He is there and I am reassured but the mind and heart are out of sync.
I hate this feeling of kicking and scratching. My family looks at me and knows I am not in a good space they talk amongst themselves then off to the family counselor. Then I am back to the family counselor. There is really nothing wrong with that except I want to be able to function and navigate this life now without tripping, falling and going backwards. I have spent my life stuck and broken; I dont want that for myself. I want better and I know that as one of God's kids, He wants better for me too.
It is time to come to grips with the grieving of Jean Ruddiman and get back to living. Time to sort out how that makes me feel and pick up the pieces, bring them to the feet of the father and know that He was/is the wounded healer. He is the only one who can take brokenness and make it beautiful again. I know I have let a lot of negative thinking back in this week about life, myself, family and it is time to clean house.
I am not sure which is harder to do when you are down.... getting up or staying down.
I hate this feeling of kicking and scratching. My family looks at me and knows I am not in a good space they talk amongst themselves then off to the family counselor. Then I am back to the family counselor. There is really nothing wrong with that except I want to be able to function and navigate this life now without tripping, falling and going backwards. I have spent my life stuck and broken; I dont want that for myself. I want better and I know that as one of God's kids, He wants better for me too.
It is time to come to grips with the grieving of Jean Ruddiman and get back to living. Time to sort out how that makes me feel and pick up the pieces, bring them to the feet of the father and know that He was/is the wounded healer. He is the only one who can take brokenness and make it beautiful again. I know I have let a lot of negative thinking back in this week about life, myself, family and it is time to clean house.
I am not sure which is harder to do when you are down.... getting up or staying down.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
My dear cousin, Jean
I received some sad news today. One of my cousins will probably be overcome by cancer and will leave this earth soon. Jean has been in bed for a while and sleeps most of the time. She is barely hanging on to life but at this point, in this condition, life has nothing to offer her. I have never met Jean face to face, but I have shared some amazing emails that has given me the privilege to call her my friend not just my cousin. I met Jean by accident on Facebook. I thought she was somebody else and we became instant friends. Jean is old enough to be my own mom, but that does not matter to me. In her pain from her chemotherapy, she gave a huge part of herself to me in a time in my life where there was so much darkness. She gave me the liberty to share my "story" without fear or shame and still love me and give me hope in the end. That is what I needed so badly.
I would log on to my Facebook and there would be a wall post or a personal email waiting often 2 and three times a week. And they would be long posts. She talked as much as I do. Sometimes she would run out of space on a wall post and start another just so she could finish what she thought she need to share with me. She knew how badly I wanted to travel to Scotland. On one of her good days when the pain wasnt taking her strength, she and her husband, Walter, drove around Leslie taking digital photos. She made a special digital photo album of her shots and emailed it to me. I so appreciated her heart. Last Christmas she sent me a homemade Christmas card; it was so crafty.
Jean is a prayer. She told me she went out to the Labyrinth to pray for herself and her family and somewhere along the way through the maze, the Lord lead her to fervently pray for me, my wife and my kids. That was huge to me and I knew she was praying because God was listening and working in my life. I too prayed for her; believing for her healing; believing that she had more to do on this earth. Only God knows the length of a mans days. He decides when the length of our life is long enough. What a glorious day it will be when she gets to see her Heavenly Father face to face.
I am humbled and honored to be a part of Jeans life. I promised her that I would travel to Scotland to meet her face to face. I still believe I will get to keep that promise. I would board a plane tomorrow if money werent an object.
Love you Jean.
I would log on to my Facebook and there would be a wall post or a personal email waiting often 2 and three times a week. And they would be long posts. She talked as much as I do. Sometimes she would run out of space on a wall post and start another just so she could finish what she thought she need to share with me. She knew how badly I wanted to travel to Scotland. On one of her good days when the pain wasnt taking her strength, she and her husband, Walter, drove around Leslie taking digital photos. She made a special digital photo album of her shots and emailed it to me. I so appreciated her heart. Last Christmas she sent me a homemade Christmas card; it was so crafty.
Jean is a prayer. She told me she went out to the Labyrinth to pray for herself and her family and somewhere along the way through the maze, the Lord lead her to fervently pray for me, my wife and my kids. That was huge to me and I knew she was praying because God was listening and working in my life. I too prayed for her; believing for her healing; believing that she had more to do on this earth. Only God knows the length of a mans days. He decides when the length of our life is long enough. What a glorious day it will be when she gets to see her Heavenly Father face to face.
I am humbled and honored to be a part of Jeans life. I promised her that I would travel to Scotland to meet her face to face. I still believe I will get to keep that promise. I would board a plane tomorrow if money werent an object.
Love you Jean.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Burning the candle at both ends.
One of my biggest weaknesses in life is lack of sleep. I have always hated going to bed. I love staying up late but having an 8 to 5 job you really cant be up late without waking up in a coma everyday. I have been doing this sleep starvation thing for years. I know my physical body suffers most. It all started when the boys started growing up.
When the boys were small we would put them to bed early around 8pm and Marian and I would have the evening to relax watch TV etc. As the boys got older their bed time got pushed back further and further. Our free time got pushed back further and further too. I still liked my time so I just stayed up later. Of course that meant I was tired all the time; then came the addiction to caffeine. Had to do something everyday or I would never accomplish anything. Being lethargic was not an option and unfortunately a good nights sleep was not something I was willing to give myself either.
I have lived most of my adult life exhausted. No really. It all seemed to work reasonably well when I was younger... well not really. Not only was I always tired but pretty much always irritable too. Being tired made me quick tempered. The wife and kids always got the brunt in of all my fatigue.
Present day. I think I have been thoroughly exhausted for a month now. The week before the vacation was stressful getting ready and trying to relax. The vacation; up late and up early daily. I did sleep in the last two weeks since I have been home but I have again reverted back to staying up to midnight and getting up early. Today, my body has just had enough; time to take care of myself or I am sure I will be sick. I have to laugh; what is the point. I haven't been to bed before 11pm in weeks. Tonight is the night I will turn in earlier. Will read the bible early so I can just crash at the appropriate time. Night all.
When the boys were small we would put them to bed early around 8pm and Marian and I would have the evening to relax watch TV etc. As the boys got older their bed time got pushed back further and further. Our free time got pushed back further and further too. I still liked my time so I just stayed up later. Of course that meant I was tired all the time; then came the addiction to caffeine. Had to do something everyday or I would never accomplish anything. Being lethargic was not an option and unfortunately a good nights sleep was not something I was willing to give myself either.
I have lived most of my adult life exhausted. No really. It all seemed to work reasonably well when I was younger... well not really. Not only was I always tired but pretty much always irritable too. Being tired made me quick tempered. The wife and kids always got the brunt in of all my fatigue.
Present day. I think I have been thoroughly exhausted for a month now. The week before the vacation was stressful getting ready and trying to relax. The vacation; up late and up early daily. I did sleep in the last two weeks since I have been home but I have again reverted back to staying up to midnight and getting up early. Today, my body has just had enough; time to take care of myself or I am sure I will be sick. I have to laugh; what is the point. I haven't been to bed before 11pm in weeks. Tonight is the night I will turn in earlier. Will read the bible early so I can just crash at the appropriate time. Night all.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Renewing the mind...
As I sat in my chair at church, instead of listening which does happen from time to time, I was contemplating my blog. I was thinking about all the titles of blogs and blog themes. I pondered that which I thought was a relevant current theme, at least relevant and current for where I am walking in my life...
Ed talked about flipping the switch.... say when we are in our own little world, our own little pity party and we have to make that decision to "flip the switch" and get out of it. Ed said it is hard to do, at least for him. I agree... hard yes doable a must. After spending much of my life being negative, being angry, maneuvering through life in internal pain and in a perpetual pity party, I realize I HAVE to put a stop to it, the trick is how.
Renewing the mind. What is that exactly? First and foremost it is bringing in good things; positive things, right things. I have to think on things that are opposite of all the negative I have believed about myself for so many years. Its tough the mind wants to hold on to the past, the negative; it does not want to let go without a fight. Renewing the mind also is more than just taking in good things; it is believing the good about yourself.
On a spiritual level... renewing the mind is believing what God says about us... taking the chance that HIS word is true that we can trust what HE says about us to be true. Easier said than done.
The book I just read, A New Earth, Awakening to Your Lifes' Purpose, talked a lot about being in the present; living in the present. The author suggested that we need to rise above the traffic and noise of our minds which represents are ego. The ego can never be satisfied. I would like to suggest that living in the "Present" in spiritual terms would be being lead by the Holy Spirit. Again it is accepting the belief that what is true, what is right, what is lovely is that which we meditate and fix our minds on. When we are in that place of living and believing Gods way we can rise above the ego and traffic of our minds which deceives us and leads us away from the truth; HIS truth.
No I know that cant be 24/7, but it something that we can live for set our minds for and work towards achieving. It is more than a dream or wish, it can be our reality. We are not trapped in the past or negative thought patterns which are self destructive at best. God loves us and He wants to be close to HIMSELF; HE wants to pour HIMSELF into us and we need to be a space that allows that to be... in HIS SPIRIT.
Ed talked about flipping the switch.... say when we are in our own little world, our own little pity party and we have to make that decision to "flip the switch" and get out of it. Ed said it is hard to do, at least for him. I agree... hard yes doable a must. After spending much of my life being negative, being angry, maneuvering through life in internal pain and in a perpetual pity party, I realize I HAVE to put a stop to it, the trick is how.
Renewing the mind. What is that exactly? First and foremost it is bringing in good things; positive things, right things. I have to think on things that are opposite of all the negative I have believed about myself for so many years. Its tough the mind wants to hold on to the past, the negative; it does not want to let go without a fight. Renewing the mind also is more than just taking in good things; it is believing the good about yourself.
On a spiritual level... renewing the mind is believing what God says about us... taking the chance that HIS word is true that we can trust what HE says about us to be true. Easier said than done.
The book I just read, A New Earth, Awakening to Your Lifes' Purpose, talked a lot about being in the present; living in the present. The author suggested that we need to rise above the traffic and noise of our minds which represents are ego. The ego can never be satisfied. I would like to suggest that living in the "Present" in spiritual terms would be being lead by the Holy Spirit. Again it is accepting the belief that what is true, what is right, what is lovely is that which we meditate and fix our minds on. When we are in that place of living and believing Gods way we can rise above the ego and traffic of our minds which deceives us and leads us away from the truth; HIS truth.
No I know that cant be 24/7, but it something that we can live for set our minds for and work towards achieving. It is more than a dream or wish, it can be our reality. We are not trapped in the past or negative thought patterns which are self destructive at best. God loves us and He wants to be close to HIMSELF; HE wants to pour HIMSELF into us and we need to be a space that allows that to be... in HIS SPIRIT.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A sign of weakness...
Another Pampered Chef vacation has officially come to an end. A week of fun in the sun and for us too much sun. I have officially burnt new areas of my body I never knew I could burn… my eyebrows and my eyelids. No silly I kept my clothes on. The sun was extremely warm at times but refreshing. I am not sure if it was the sun that was refreshing or all the Vodka/Sprite with limes I had.
Regardless of all the alcohol consumption during the last 7 days, I really did have a good time. I hung out with old friends, Katherine Rannow; spent more time with Becky and Chuck Green; and made new acquaintances Amanda, Kats friend; and the other Greens, Joanna and Michael. In the past I have not wanted to spend the Pampered Chef vacation with other Pampered Chef vacation earners. I tolerated the social aspect; well actually I hated it and muddled through. This time, when I saw Chuck and Becky in the Cancun Airport, I grumbled but immediately made myself stop grumbling. I knew we would inevitably end up spending time with them and I knew I needed to adjust my attitude in order to not spoil the vacation. Sometimes tough decisions do yield positive results.
Chuck is a talker; he loves to hear himself talk. I used to try to avoid Chuck because he made me nervous. No he usually invaded my HUGE bubble and I would fall into anxiety mode. I did not realize that is what it was but I get "it" now and know that I have the tools necessary to manage through the anxious feelings. Chuck is usually so full of crap that I want to flee, but this time I didn’t take any of his personifications personally. That is his deal and he gets strokes from embellishing a story. Yes I do that too, I just hope it does not look like Chuck’s stories. In all honesty Chuck is a sincere gifted story teller and when you look at him through those eyes it is much easier to enjoy him.
Joanna and Michael Green were new friends established on this trip. Joanna, Michael and I are now Facebook friends so we will see how that turns out. I enjoyed them and they made me laugh a lot. The humor was out there on the edge but still brought a smile to my face and sometimes I laughed myself silly until I cried. Michael called Joanna a “dumb ass” and she didn’t mind. She said that is how they communicate to each other all the time. Whoa!! Now that is outside my scope of reality.
This trip challenged my faith. I did not seem to make time for the things that mean the most to me. I did not pray or read my bible once. Not that that makes me a bad person, I think the absence of those habits makes it easier to become weak in the midst of people who don’t walk the walk I am trying to walk. Then of course I begin to compromise and then I wrestle with the whys and the how comes. Yes, I must admit that at times I drank beyond my normal limits and then I question why I relax my convictions to allow for that kind of behavior. It was easy, on this occasion, because this was an all inclusive vacation, ie all lodging, meals, booze yada yada was covered in the vacation. I know that based on that alone, in a normal situation, I would not have drunk as much as I did. Now is that my vindication… I just happened to be in an environment conducive for relaxing convictions??? No… I made a choice because it was easy.
Will I make a similar decision??? I am sure I will… how sad. Without giving myself license to give into “my humanity”, I accept the responsibility of the potential to cave to humanity and its flawed sense of judgment. I believe that the lesson learned is to rise up and take stock of my decisions, good ones and not so good ones, and to be accountable. How could I have made a better decision that honored who I am and what I believe? Running from my humanity is not the answer, but being prepared for being with others who live their lives with different convictions is a mature solution. I know that I am to be salt and light, sometimes I will be neither but other times I will be both. I know where my source of strength comes from and I know I can rely on HIM to give strength; strength of will and strength of character. It always must return to HIM in the end.
Regardless of all the alcohol consumption during the last 7 days, I really did have a good time. I hung out with old friends, Katherine Rannow; spent more time with Becky and Chuck Green; and made new acquaintances Amanda, Kats friend; and the other Greens, Joanna and Michael. In the past I have not wanted to spend the Pampered Chef vacation with other Pampered Chef vacation earners. I tolerated the social aspect; well actually I hated it and muddled through. This time, when I saw Chuck and Becky in the Cancun Airport, I grumbled but immediately made myself stop grumbling. I knew we would inevitably end up spending time with them and I knew I needed to adjust my attitude in order to not spoil the vacation. Sometimes tough decisions do yield positive results.
Chuck is a talker; he loves to hear himself talk. I used to try to avoid Chuck because he made me nervous. No he usually invaded my HUGE bubble and I would fall into anxiety mode. I did not realize that is what it was but I get "it" now and know that I have the tools necessary to manage through the anxious feelings. Chuck is usually so full of crap that I want to flee, but this time I didn’t take any of his personifications personally. That is his deal and he gets strokes from embellishing a story. Yes I do that too, I just hope it does not look like Chuck’s stories. In all honesty Chuck is a sincere gifted story teller and when you look at him through those eyes it is much easier to enjoy him.
Joanna and Michael Green were new friends established on this trip. Joanna, Michael and I are now Facebook friends so we will see how that turns out. I enjoyed them and they made me laugh a lot. The humor was out there on the edge but still brought a smile to my face and sometimes I laughed myself silly until I cried. Michael called Joanna a “dumb ass” and she didn’t mind. She said that is how they communicate to each other all the time. Whoa!! Now that is outside my scope of reality.
This trip challenged my faith. I did not seem to make time for the things that mean the most to me. I did not pray or read my bible once. Not that that makes me a bad person, I think the absence of those habits makes it easier to become weak in the midst of people who don’t walk the walk I am trying to walk. Then of course I begin to compromise and then I wrestle with the whys and the how comes. Yes, I must admit that at times I drank beyond my normal limits and then I question why I relax my convictions to allow for that kind of behavior. It was easy, on this occasion, because this was an all inclusive vacation, ie all lodging, meals, booze yada yada was covered in the vacation. I know that based on that alone, in a normal situation, I would not have drunk as much as I did. Now is that my vindication… I just happened to be in an environment conducive for relaxing convictions??? No… I made a choice because it was easy.
Will I make a similar decision??? I am sure I will… how sad. Without giving myself license to give into “my humanity”, I accept the responsibility of the potential to cave to humanity and its flawed sense of judgment. I believe that the lesson learned is to rise up and take stock of my decisions, good ones and not so good ones, and to be accountable. How could I have made a better decision that honored who I am and what I believe? Running from my humanity is not the answer, but being prepared for being with others who live their lives with different convictions is a mature solution. I know that I am to be salt and light, sometimes I will be neither but other times I will be both. I know where my source of strength comes from and I know I can rely on HIM to give strength; strength of will and strength of character. It always must return to HIM in the end.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Do I really get it???
I am sitting here on the plane headed for Cancun. Yes I am surprised. Doesn’t seem possible. I am plugged into my Mp3 player drowning out the white noise of the plane and other people moving around. I am trying to find peace in the discomfort of the plane seats that feel much like a wooden plank. Being thin I have less padding in the back side and sitting endlessly only irritates me more.
I was reading an article in Good Housekeeping yesterday – it was the only thing in the bathroom to read. Jennifer Aniston was being interviewed by GH. She is into all things healthy. I thought to myself “what can Jennifer tell me to help improve my life?” Part of Jennifer’s fitness routine is that she does Hatha Yoga. Cutting to the chase… the beauty of yoga she says is getting into a contorted, often painful position then holding it through the pain…. and learning to find inner peace in the midst of it. She goes on to say how yoga has helped her in her everyday life… learning to find peace and contentment in the difficulty of life.
Some days I get so discouraged. I have been battling so long with unhealthy feelings toward my son that it has begun to rob me of life’s pleasure that I have worked so hard to develop. Why am I doing that; that is the old Bob. I have worked so hard in the last 6 months not to retreat backwards. Why…. Why am I letting that happen? Am I still fighting the need to be right? Am I going to let my prodigal son drive me absolutely nuts until he returns? What if he decides to stay a prodigal for several years… am I going to let that drive me ever-loving mad? NO I must go back to the drawing board and find peace in the pain. I am not the only parent who has driven their child to rebellion to have to wait years for them to “see the light” pull their head and come to their senses.
I keep telling everyone else to live life and not take other people’s junk personal and I have fallen back into that trap. I have fallen back into the daily mundane idle traffic of the mind. I have to ask myself “do I really get it?” I have to get it… the alternative is just not acceptable. I can’t go back; I can’t be like the Israelites that wanted to go back to Egypt because the trek to the Promised Land was just too much trouble. Anything in life worth having comes with a price. It is up to me to rise up out of the mind traffic and live life… the happy peace-filled life I have dreamed my whole life of having. I was getting it. I have to get back up on the wagon and live… live my own life.
I believe that God is allowing me to have my own prodigal so I can truly understand the “father heart of God”. This is how HE feels when his creation continually turns their backs on Him and goes their own way.
God you know I am weak… You know and I know that in my own strength it is impossible for me to create peace and long term happiness without your help. So today, right now, I am recommitting myself to your plan the path you have set me on to walk. I choose your way… it is the only way. I know that any time I can come and cry out for help on this journey and you will be there for me…. Thank you.
I was reading an article in Good Housekeeping yesterday – it was the only thing in the bathroom to read. Jennifer Aniston was being interviewed by GH. She is into all things healthy. I thought to myself “what can Jennifer tell me to help improve my life?” Part of Jennifer’s fitness routine is that she does Hatha Yoga. Cutting to the chase… the beauty of yoga she says is getting into a contorted, often painful position then holding it through the pain…. and learning to find inner peace in the midst of it. She goes on to say how yoga has helped her in her everyday life… learning to find peace and contentment in the difficulty of life.
Some days I get so discouraged. I have been battling so long with unhealthy feelings toward my son that it has begun to rob me of life’s pleasure that I have worked so hard to develop. Why am I doing that; that is the old Bob. I have worked so hard in the last 6 months not to retreat backwards. Why…. Why am I letting that happen? Am I still fighting the need to be right? Am I going to let my prodigal son drive me absolutely nuts until he returns? What if he decides to stay a prodigal for several years… am I going to let that drive me ever-loving mad? NO I must go back to the drawing board and find peace in the pain. I am not the only parent who has driven their child to rebellion to have to wait years for them to “see the light” pull their head and come to their senses.
I keep telling everyone else to live life and not take other people’s junk personal and I have fallen back into that trap. I have fallen back into the daily mundane idle traffic of the mind. I have to ask myself “do I really get it?” I have to get it… the alternative is just not acceptable. I can’t go back; I can’t be like the Israelites that wanted to go back to Egypt because the trek to the Promised Land was just too much trouble. Anything in life worth having comes with a price. It is up to me to rise up out of the mind traffic and live life… the happy peace-filled life I have dreamed my whole life of having. I was getting it. I have to get back up on the wagon and live… live my own life.
I believe that God is allowing me to have my own prodigal so I can truly understand the “father heart of God”. This is how HE feels when his creation continually turns their backs on Him and goes their own way.
God you know I am weak… You know and I know that in my own strength it is impossible for me to create peace and long term happiness without your help. So today, right now, I am recommitting myself to your plan the path you have set me on to walk. I choose your way… it is the only way. I know that any time I can come and cry out for help on this journey and you will be there for me…. Thank you.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
A second chance...
"It is because of things you have shared personally that I'm even willing to give Guy and God a chance to turn this around. I hope that Guy means it for his sake as much as mine."
These are the words from my good friend Lisa. This was part of a longer post to my Facebook profile. It happened to be blue day for me; I read the entire post and was crying at my desk. I know God promised me that I would get to share my story but I never realized the impact it would have to those who heard. I was and am very happy that Lisa has the courage to give her husband a second chance. She fully knows that rough roads await them. It wont be easy as he makes the important decisions to make the changes he must face. I think Lisa believes in what I have grown from and trusts the process and must be hopeful that her husband will respond the same way. I hope so too. I doubt he realizes how difficult life gets when you are that unhappy and make others lives unhappy also. I really love my life... I love where I have been and where I am going. I can only love and embrace the past because I know that God is using my past experiences for good in others lives. I would love to wish it away but I know God has a plan for all that baggage and junk. I am okay with it.
These are the words from my good friend Lisa. This was part of a longer post to my Facebook profile. It happened to be blue day for me; I read the entire post and was crying at my desk. I know God promised me that I would get to share my story but I never realized the impact it would have to those who heard. I was and am very happy that Lisa has the courage to give her husband a second chance. She fully knows that rough roads await them. It wont be easy as he makes the important decisions to make the changes he must face. I think Lisa believes in what I have grown from and trusts the process and must be hopeful that her husband will respond the same way. I hope so too. I doubt he realizes how difficult life gets when you are that unhappy and make others lives unhappy also. I really love my life... I love where I have been and where I am going. I can only love and embrace the past because I know that God is using my past experiences for good in others lives. I would love to wish it away but I know God has a plan for all that baggage and junk. I am okay with it.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
a HUGE breakthrough... Yah!!
On the way home from church tonight, I was thinking about blogging. What is the theme for the day; what is the highlight that means something... to me. Tonight I had the hugest breakthrough.
I am not a person who likes the limelight on me, purposefully. Yah in a small crowd I enjoy being the clown, the one who will put out sarcastic barbs, but never where the light is on me and the whole room is staring at me. When I was in college, I had to maneuver to graduate. I needed a speech course to get my two year degree in Accounting. How lame. I have never needed to publicly speak to count beans and move them from pot to pot.
The parenting class that I have attended at church and our church youth group merged tonight. We had a panel of 4 adults and 4 kids answer questions; the parents answered questions the kids thought of.... the kids answered questions the parents thought up. Scott E asked me to sit on the panel. I had no fear. Where did the fear go? Not even a matter of months ago would I have told him no way... I cant be in front of a group of people without having anxiety. The cam lights were making me sweat and not nervousness; this is a good sign.
This is easy I thought. I moved around in my chair not squirming, but doing my normal restless stuff. I was choosy about the questions I was willing to answer. Let's play it safe. Then the question of questions was asked of the parents... "how did your parents parent that you said you would never do, but did anyway?" I made eye contact with Mikayla and I knew I was busted. I knew that I could not walk away without answering that question if not for my own courage builder but for her. I needed to show her I was no longer in bondage to the past.
When it was my turn to speak and the room quieted down, I took my normal second or two to gain courage and colllect my thoughts. I said it. Out loud in front of my peers, Mikayla, her friends, etc... I said "I grew up in a controlling home... I was parented with a lot of anger and frustration. I said that I would never be that way, but I did anyway. I parented the way I was modeled to." There out in the open. No more hiding. No shame. I had freedom and I know that deep down, although Mikayla did not say anything, I made a huge impact.
Scott E wanted to hear more. I assured him that there would be a time and place for me to share my "story". It will be at the appointed time, Gods time. It will be a perfect day. I am counting on the right people to be there. The pain that I have carried so long will not be for not......
I am not a person who likes the limelight on me, purposefully. Yah in a small crowd I enjoy being the clown, the one who will put out sarcastic barbs, but never where the light is on me and the whole room is staring at me. When I was in college, I had to maneuver to graduate. I needed a speech course to get my two year degree in Accounting. How lame. I have never needed to publicly speak to count beans and move them from pot to pot.
The parenting class that I have attended at church and our church youth group merged tonight. We had a panel of 4 adults and 4 kids answer questions; the parents answered questions the kids thought of.... the kids answered questions the parents thought up. Scott E asked me to sit on the panel. I had no fear. Where did the fear go? Not even a matter of months ago would I have told him no way... I cant be in front of a group of people without having anxiety. The cam lights were making me sweat and not nervousness; this is a good sign.
This is easy I thought. I moved around in my chair not squirming, but doing my normal restless stuff. I was choosy about the questions I was willing to answer. Let's play it safe. Then the question of questions was asked of the parents... "how did your parents parent that you said you would never do, but did anyway?" I made eye contact with Mikayla and I knew I was busted. I knew that I could not walk away without answering that question if not for my own courage builder but for her. I needed to show her I was no longer in bondage to the past.
When it was my turn to speak and the room quieted down, I took my normal second or two to gain courage and colllect my thoughts. I said it. Out loud in front of my peers, Mikayla, her friends, etc... I said "I grew up in a controlling home... I was parented with a lot of anger and frustration. I said that I would never be that way, but I did anyway. I parented the way I was modeled to." There out in the open. No more hiding. No shame. I had freedom and I know that deep down, although Mikayla did not say anything, I made a huge impact.
Scott E wanted to hear more. I assured him that there would be a time and place for me to share my "story". It will be at the appointed time, Gods time. It will be a perfect day. I am counting on the right people to be there. The pain that I have carried so long will not be for not......
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Blog 1
I have never blogged... but I have journaled... alot. I never reread a journal because when I journaled it was to release the crap from the inner most part of my being. To be honest to read a journal from say a year ago or two years ago I might be frightened by the nasty things I may have said. But in the end it is all good.
I asked myself why I need a blog. I really can't answer that fully other than the fact that it seems like a cool thing to do and I get to ramble about myself. More importantly I get to expose myself; where I have been, where I am and where I want to go in my life. I believe that a persons "story" is their testimony... an account of our lives good, bad, ugly etc. Somebody somewhere in this small world will read/hear my "story" and will be able to relate to my experiences and hopefully be helped by what they hear/read.
I feel like I am on a quest without a map. It is a total faith walk but I am not sure what I am believing for. I wake up in the morning and do the same routine, go to same job, and do the same thing month in and month out. Days turn into weeks, weeks months, and months years. Time has passed and I know that what I am doing is going to get me to my path; it just seems like I am spinning my wheels. What happens if I really get old and I am still in the same place of wonder. What if? Will I be tempted to think that my life was a waste?
My biggest fear lately was what do I do with the gifts and talents I have been given? What if I never figure it out and have to give an account for my time wasted and returning the gift unused? Maybe I am thinking this through too long and allowing myself to be self absorbed. No one wants to listen to a self absorbed person. I know that fear is my worst enemy... fear will neutralize our dreams, our desires, our longings. Once we are engulfed in fear we generally are unaware and stay trapped in its clutches. I know there are those who look fear in the face and laugh and never get sucked in. Perfect love casts our fear... O I know that in my heart but obviously I struggle with that in my head. You would think that when we are aware of that fear we would just simply rise above it and conquer. Who knows........................
I feel like I am on a quest without a map. It is a total faith walk but I am not sure what I am believing for. I wake up in the morning and do the same routine, go to same job, and do the same thing month in and month out. Days turn into weeks, weeks months, and months years. Time has passed and I know that what I am doing is going to get me to my path; it just seems like I am spinning my wheels. What happens if I really get old and I am still in the same place of wonder. What if? Will I be tempted to think that my life was a waste?
My biggest fear lately was what do I do with the gifts and talents I have been given? What if I never figure it out and have to give an account for my time wasted and returning the gift unused? Maybe I am thinking this through too long and allowing myself to be self absorbed. No one wants to listen to a self absorbed person. I know that fear is my worst enemy... fear will neutralize our dreams, our desires, our longings. Once we are engulfed in fear we generally are unaware and stay trapped in its clutches. I know there are those who look fear in the face and laugh and never get sucked in. Perfect love casts our fear... O I know that in my heart but obviously I struggle with that in my head. You would think that when we are aware of that fear we would just simply rise above it and conquer. Who knows........................
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