... just another brick in the wall.... sigh

Went paint balling at the church paint ball course with the youth group. I was reasonably excited till I saw the full face mask. Yuck I hate having something cover my face. In fact it feels like I won't be able to breathe. They say that fear of suffocating is a normal response for near drowning victims. That wasnt all of it. I normally abhor guns.... I know not very manly. There is just to much power a gun gives a person and in all honesty I do not trust myself to own a gun. So I am good with that and am reasonably okay. But with abhoring guns comes not knowing how to shoot a gun or even to turn off a gun safety. It went south quickly for me and I get nailed within the first few minutes. I was frustrated that I could not get my safety turned off. So off the course I go; mad and frustrated and on the verge of shutting down for the day.

I go back into the course for another try. So this whole thing is akward to me. You take cover and you look around and you see no one. Oh baby this is fun. So I think I must get closer to the action. So I move to the middle barrels and become and open target. I may as well have just stood up and let everyone shoot me. It did not even cross my mind to move around the outside of the course. I just hate that feeling of looking stupid. It is not just looking stupid I hate, it is looking quirky, dorky and being overall open and vulnerable.

I fight being vulnerable whereever I can. I keep guarded and where a mask most of the time. I know it is wrong and it gets me know closer in my relationship with others and ultimately in my relationship with God. I waste so much time in life being guarded. I always need to play it safe... stay on the fringe where there is no risk. Push me out of my comfort zone and I fail and quit just like always. When I am faced with risk and potential discomfort I flee. No one look no can know that I am afraid and feel less than. Being a loner is okay isnt it? Dont anyone answer that question I am smart enough to know the answer. What is the harm of being vulnerable? Okay dont think I dont know the answer to that question either.

I admit... I am an approval seeker. I need approval.... BUT I am afraid to take off the mask in fear that somebody will see the weak other side of me and judge and I will in turn judge myself. I need to quit seeking approval but like any addiction, I need it. What that says about me is I am not comfortable in my skin... I dont like who I am or who God created me to be. This has to be the hardest area in life to break free from. I am willing to accept wearing a mask as okay, but am not okay with the consequences of feeling isolated and rejected. Sad but true. I have spent a lifetime being loner. Even in a room with many people, or with my family I feel alone. The world has always been a place to fear and has always been a place to receive rejection.

My counselor says that when I am truly ready to be free and stop holding on to the past hurt and pain willl be the degree of how fast things change for the better in my life. Really if I would just let go and let God ALL the way into those areas and not hold back then the quicker life could be different. I am like the hobo that holds onto his napsack for dear life... holding onto those few possessions that he holds dear. His grip is tight and no one can take that napsack from his hands. Even when people offer to help him out of his life of being a hobo, he holds on to that napsack... thats all he knows. But deep down he knows there is a better way but someone is bound to the napsack.

That is how I feel. I have done all this counseling for a long time. I know what is there and for some reason, even though I want it to be gone, I just keep holding onto it. How discouraging. I just dont seem to get to where I want to go in life. Not sure how long I can keep doing this rat-race. I know God is patient and loves me immensely, so at least I can hold to the fact that he wont walk out on me... I know I would walk out on me. Really... I so want life to be different. I always seem to find the brick wall. I usually stop and feel hopeless and bang my head and bang my head. As the pain gets intense I find myself asking the same question... Why? Why am I always finding myself right here. I cant go around the wall, I cant climb the wall, I cant break the wall.... so like always I just turn around and quit. Then when I get sick of the bottom of the pit, I get up again hopeful I can get somewhere and I always seem to find the brick wall.

God I know I am completely unable to get through this wall.... out of desparation I cry out and ask You to remove the wall. I am tired and cant seem to get up and keep pounding on the wall. I know I have a pure heart that desires the truth in the inner most parts of my being... The problem is, it is just desire. When the light comes and it begins to find its way to the pain I freak and run. I must not really trust the Father heart of God. I must be afraid of Him. I must not really believe that he can heal the pain, hurt and a lifetime of disappointment. Why I ask... the bible tells me over and over that He can.

God I stand here with nothing else, empty hands... getting tired of holding up the mask and being alone. I have been here at this crossroads before MANY MANY times. You always show up and I always say the same old stuff. Just when I think I have meant business when I say "I surrender" I really am not.

So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all. So I'll stand my soul Lord to You surrendered all I am is yours.