a HUGE breakthrough... Yah!!

On the way home from church tonight, I was thinking about blogging. What is the theme for the day; what is the highlight that means something... to me. Tonight I had the hugest breakthrough.

I am not a person who likes the limelight on me, purposefully. Yah in a small crowd I enjoy being the clown, the one who will put out sarcastic barbs, but never where the light is on me and the whole room is staring at me. When I was in college, I had to maneuver to graduate. I needed a speech course to get my two year degree in Accounting. How lame. I have never needed to publicly speak to count beans and move them from pot to pot.

The parenting class that I have attended at church and our church youth group merged tonight. We had a panel of 4 adults and 4 kids answer questions; the parents answered questions the kids thought of.... the kids answered questions the parents thought up. Scott E asked me to sit on the panel. I had no fear. Where did the fear go? Not even a matter of months ago would I have told him no way... I cant be in front of a group of people without having anxiety. The cam lights were making me sweat and not nervousness; this is a good sign.

This is easy I thought. I moved around in my chair not squirming, but doing my normal restless stuff. I was choosy about the questions I was willing to answer. Let's play it safe. Then the question of questions was asked of the parents... "how did your parents parent that you said you would never do, but did anyway?" I made eye contact with Mikayla and I knew I was busted. I knew that I could not walk away without answering that question if not for my own courage builder but for her. I needed to show her I was no longer in bondage to the past.

When it was my turn to speak and the room quieted down, I took my normal second or two to gain courage and colllect my thoughts. I said it. Out loud in front of my peers, Mikayla, her friends, etc... I said "I grew up in a controlling home... I was parented with a lot of anger and frustration. I said that I would never be that way, but I did anyway. I parented the way I was modeled to." There out in the open. No more hiding. No shame. I had freedom and I know that deep down, although Mikayla did not say anything, I made a huge impact.

Scott E wanted to hear more. I assured him that there would be a time and place for me to share my "story". It will be at the appointed time, Gods time. It will be a perfect day. I am counting on the right people to be there. The pain that I have carried so long will not be for not......