I lost a dear friend this week. I think it knocked me off my good space. I am not sure what or how it happened. I don't think I have allowed myself to grieve yet. But one thing I can say I am not in my good space. I miss it! I know I need to get up, but when I try my head and heart stay down. It's like I need a good shaking. Man somehow I have found that ability to get into a happy place and somehow I am not there and feel like I am kicking and scratching to get back and cant. Somehow I have figured out how to rise up quickly when I feel the earth sweep out from underneath me, but this week feels the camping week from hell 2008. I cant go back there... NO WAY. I have prayed "God HELP me"; I know He is there and I am reassured but the mind and heart are out of sync.
I hate this feeling of kicking and scratching. My family looks at me and knows I am not in a good space they talk amongst themselves then off to the family counselor. Then I am back to the family counselor. There is really nothing wrong with that except I want to be able to function and navigate this life now without tripping, falling and going backwards. I have spent my life stuck and broken; I dont want that for myself. I want better and I know that as one of God's kids, He wants better for me too.
It is time to come to grips with the grieving of Jean Ruddiman and get back to living. Time to sort out how that makes me feel and pick up the pieces, bring them to the feet of the father and know that He was/is the wounded healer. He is the only one who can take brokenness and make it beautiful again. I know I have let a lot of negative thinking back in this week about life, myself, family and it is time to clean house.
I am not sure which is harder to do when you are down.... getting up or staying down.
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