One of my biggest weaknesses in life is lack of sleep. I have always hated going to bed. I love staying up late but having an 8 to 5 job you really cant be up late without waking up in a coma everyday. I have been doing this sleep starvation thing for years. I know my physical body suffers most. It all started when the boys started growing up.
When the boys were small we would put them to bed early around 8pm and Marian and I would have the evening to relax watch TV etc. As the boys got older their bed time got pushed back further and further. Our free time got pushed back further and further too. I still liked my time so I just stayed up later. Of course that meant I was tired all the time; then came the addiction to caffeine. Had to do something everyday or I would never accomplish anything. Being lethargic was not an option and unfortunately a good nights sleep was not something I was willing to give myself either.
I have lived most of my adult life exhausted. No really. It all seemed to work reasonably well when I was younger... well not really. Not only was I always tired but pretty much always irritable too. Being tired made me quick tempered. The wife and kids always got the brunt in of all my fatigue.
Present day. I think I have been thoroughly exhausted for a month now. The week before the vacation was stressful getting ready and trying to relax. The vacation; up late and up early daily. I did sleep in the last two weeks since I have been home but I have again reverted back to staying up to midnight and getting up early. Today, my body has just had enough; time to take care of myself or I am sure I will be sick. I have to laugh; what is the point. I haven't been to bed before 11pm in weeks. Tonight is the night I will turn in earlier. Will read the bible early so I can just crash at the appropriate time. Night all.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Renewing the mind...
As I sat in my chair at church, instead of listening which does happen from time to time, I was contemplating my blog. I was thinking about all the titles of blogs and blog themes. I pondered that which I thought was a relevant current theme, at least relevant and current for where I am walking in my life...
Ed talked about flipping the switch.... say when we are in our own little world, our own little pity party and we have to make that decision to "flip the switch" and get out of it. Ed said it is hard to do, at least for him. I agree... hard yes doable a must. After spending much of my life being negative, being angry, maneuvering through life in internal pain and in a perpetual pity party, I realize I HAVE to put a stop to it, the trick is how.
Renewing the mind. What is that exactly? First and foremost it is bringing in good things; positive things, right things. I have to think on things that are opposite of all the negative I have believed about myself for so many years. Its tough the mind wants to hold on to the past, the negative; it does not want to let go without a fight. Renewing the mind also is more than just taking in good things; it is believing the good about yourself.
On a spiritual level... renewing the mind is believing what God says about us... taking the chance that HIS word is true that we can trust what HE says about us to be true. Easier said than done.
The book I just read, A New Earth, Awakening to Your Lifes' Purpose, talked a lot about being in the present; living in the present. The author suggested that we need to rise above the traffic and noise of our minds which represents are ego. The ego can never be satisfied. I would like to suggest that living in the "Present" in spiritual terms would be being lead by the Holy Spirit. Again it is accepting the belief that what is true, what is right, what is lovely is that which we meditate and fix our minds on. When we are in that place of living and believing Gods way we can rise above the ego and traffic of our minds which deceives us and leads us away from the truth; HIS truth.
No I know that cant be 24/7, but it something that we can live for set our minds for and work towards achieving. It is more than a dream or wish, it can be our reality. We are not trapped in the past or negative thought patterns which are self destructive at best. God loves us and He wants to be close to HIMSELF; HE wants to pour HIMSELF into us and we need to be a space that allows that to be... in HIS SPIRIT.
Ed talked about flipping the switch.... say when we are in our own little world, our own little pity party and we have to make that decision to "flip the switch" and get out of it. Ed said it is hard to do, at least for him. I agree... hard yes doable a must. After spending much of my life being negative, being angry, maneuvering through life in internal pain and in a perpetual pity party, I realize I HAVE to put a stop to it, the trick is how.
Renewing the mind. What is that exactly? First and foremost it is bringing in good things; positive things, right things. I have to think on things that are opposite of all the negative I have believed about myself for so many years. Its tough the mind wants to hold on to the past, the negative; it does not want to let go without a fight. Renewing the mind also is more than just taking in good things; it is believing the good about yourself.
On a spiritual level... renewing the mind is believing what God says about us... taking the chance that HIS word is true that we can trust what HE says about us to be true. Easier said than done.
The book I just read, A New Earth, Awakening to Your Lifes' Purpose, talked a lot about being in the present; living in the present. The author suggested that we need to rise above the traffic and noise of our minds which represents are ego. The ego can never be satisfied. I would like to suggest that living in the "Present" in spiritual terms would be being lead by the Holy Spirit. Again it is accepting the belief that what is true, what is right, what is lovely is that which we meditate and fix our minds on. When we are in that place of living and believing Gods way we can rise above the ego and traffic of our minds which deceives us and leads us away from the truth; HIS truth.
No I know that cant be 24/7, but it something that we can live for set our minds for and work towards achieving. It is more than a dream or wish, it can be our reality. We are not trapped in the past or negative thought patterns which are self destructive at best. God loves us and He wants to be close to HIMSELF; HE wants to pour HIMSELF into us and we need to be a space that allows that to be... in HIS SPIRIT.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A sign of weakness...
Another Pampered Chef vacation has officially come to an end. A week of fun in the sun and for us too much sun. I have officially burnt new areas of my body I never knew I could burn… my eyebrows and my eyelids. No silly I kept my clothes on. The sun was extremely warm at times but refreshing. I am not sure if it was the sun that was refreshing or all the Vodka/Sprite with limes I had.
Regardless of all the alcohol consumption during the last 7 days, I really did have a good time. I hung out with old friends, Katherine Rannow; spent more time with Becky and Chuck Green; and made new acquaintances Amanda, Kats friend; and the other Greens, Joanna and Michael. In the past I have not wanted to spend the Pampered Chef vacation with other Pampered Chef vacation earners. I tolerated the social aspect; well actually I hated it and muddled through. This time, when I saw Chuck and Becky in the Cancun Airport, I grumbled but immediately made myself stop grumbling. I knew we would inevitably end up spending time with them and I knew I needed to adjust my attitude in order to not spoil the vacation. Sometimes tough decisions do yield positive results.
Chuck is a talker; he loves to hear himself talk. I used to try to avoid Chuck because he made me nervous. No he usually invaded my HUGE bubble and I would fall into anxiety mode. I did not realize that is what it was but I get "it" now and know that I have the tools necessary to manage through the anxious feelings. Chuck is usually so full of crap that I want to flee, but this time I didn’t take any of his personifications personally. That is his deal and he gets strokes from embellishing a story. Yes I do that too, I just hope it does not look like Chuck’s stories. In all honesty Chuck is a sincere gifted story teller and when you look at him through those eyes it is much easier to enjoy him.
Joanna and Michael Green were new friends established on this trip. Joanna, Michael and I are now Facebook friends so we will see how that turns out. I enjoyed them and they made me laugh a lot. The humor was out there on the edge but still brought a smile to my face and sometimes I laughed myself silly until I cried. Michael called Joanna a “dumb ass” and she didn’t mind. She said that is how they communicate to each other all the time. Whoa!! Now that is outside my scope of reality.
This trip challenged my faith. I did not seem to make time for the things that mean the most to me. I did not pray or read my bible once. Not that that makes me a bad person, I think the absence of those habits makes it easier to become weak in the midst of people who don’t walk the walk I am trying to walk. Then of course I begin to compromise and then I wrestle with the whys and the how comes. Yes, I must admit that at times I drank beyond my normal limits and then I question why I relax my convictions to allow for that kind of behavior. It was easy, on this occasion, because this was an all inclusive vacation, ie all lodging, meals, booze yada yada was covered in the vacation. I know that based on that alone, in a normal situation, I would not have drunk as much as I did. Now is that my vindication… I just happened to be in an environment conducive for relaxing convictions??? No… I made a choice because it was easy.
Will I make a similar decision??? I am sure I will… how sad. Without giving myself license to give into “my humanity”, I accept the responsibility of the potential to cave to humanity and its flawed sense of judgment. I believe that the lesson learned is to rise up and take stock of my decisions, good ones and not so good ones, and to be accountable. How could I have made a better decision that honored who I am and what I believe? Running from my humanity is not the answer, but being prepared for being with others who live their lives with different convictions is a mature solution. I know that I am to be salt and light, sometimes I will be neither but other times I will be both. I know where my source of strength comes from and I know I can rely on HIM to give strength; strength of will and strength of character. It always must return to HIM in the end.
Regardless of all the alcohol consumption during the last 7 days, I really did have a good time. I hung out with old friends, Katherine Rannow; spent more time with Becky and Chuck Green; and made new acquaintances Amanda, Kats friend; and the other Greens, Joanna and Michael. In the past I have not wanted to spend the Pampered Chef vacation with other Pampered Chef vacation earners. I tolerated the social aspect; well actually I hated it and muddled through. This time, when I saw Chuck and Becky in the Cancun Airport, I grumbled but immediately made myself stop grumbling. I knew we would inevitably end up spending time with them and I knew I needed to adjust my attitude in order to not spoil the vacation. Sometimes tough decisions do yield positive results.
Chuck is a talker; he loves to hear himself talk. I used to try to avoid Chuck because he made me nervous. No he usually invaded my HUGE bubble and I would fall into anxiety mode. I did not realize that is what it was but I get "it" now and know that I have the tools necessary to manage through the anxious feelings. Chuck is usually so full of crap that I want to flee, but this time I didn’t take any of his personifications personally. That is his deal and he gets strokes from embellishing a story. Yes I do that too, I just hope it does not look like Chuck’s stories. In all honesty Chuck is a sincere gifted story teller and when you look at him through those eyes it is much easier to enjoy him.
Joanna and Michael Green were new friends established on this trip. Joanna, Michael and I are now Facebook friends so we will see how that turns out. I enjoyed them and they made me laugh a lot. The humor was out there on the edge but still brought a smile to my face and sometimes I laughed myself silly until I cried. Michael called Joanna a “dumb ass” and she didn’t mind. She said that is how they communicate to each other all the time. Whoa!! Now that is outside my scope of reality.
This trip challenged my faith. I did not seem to make time for the things that mean the most to me. I did not pray or read my bible once. Not that that makes me a bad person, I think the absence of those habits makes it easier to become weak in the midst of people who don’t walk the walk I am trying to walk. Then of course I begin to compromise and then I wrestle with the whys and the how comes. Yes, I must admit that at times I drank beyond my normal limits and then I question why I relax my convictions to allow for that kind of behavior. It was easy, on this occasion, because this was an all inclusive vacation, ie all lodging, meals, booze yada yada was covered in the vacation. I know that based on that alone, in a normal situation, I would not have drunk as much as I did. Now is that my vindication… I just happened to be in an environment conducive for relaxing convictions??? No… I made a choice because it was easy.
Will I make a similar decision??? I am sure I will… how sad. Without giving myself license to give into “my humanity”, I accept the responsibility of the potential to cave to humanity and its flawed sense of judgment. I believe that the lesson learned is to rise up and take stock of my decisions, good ones and not so good ones, and to be accountable. How could I have made a better decision that honored who I am and what I believe? Running from my humanity is not the answer, but being prepared for being with others who live their lives with different convictions is a mature solution. I know that I am to be salt and light, sometimes I will be neither but other times I will be both. I know where my source of strength comes from and I know I can rely on HIM to give strength; strength of will and strength of character. It always must return to HIM in the end.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Do I really get it???
I am sitting here on the plane headed for Cancun. Yes I am surprised. Doesn’t seem possible. I am plugged into my Mp3 player drowning out the white noise of the plane and other people moving around. I am trying to find peace in the discomfort of the plane seats that feel much like a wooden plank. Being thin I have less padding in the back side and sitting endlessly only irritates me more.
I was reading an article in Good Housekeeping yesterday – it was the only thing in the bathroom to read. Jennifer Aniston was being interviewed by GH. She is into all things healthy. I thought to myself “what can Jennifer tell me to help improve my life?” Part of Jennifer’s fitness routine is that she does Hatha Yoga. Cutting to the chase… the beauty of yoga she says is getting into a contorted, often painful position then holding it through the pain…. and learning to find inner peace in the midst of it. She goes on to say how yoga has helped her in her everyday life… learning to find peace and contentment in the difficulty of life.
Some days I get so discouraged. I have been battling so long with unhealthy feelings toward my son that it has begun to rob me of life’s pleasure that I have worked so hard to develop. Why am I doing that; that is the old Bob. I have worked so hard in the last 6 months not to retreat backwards. Why…. Why am I letting that happen? Am I still fighting the need to be right? Am I going to let my prodigal son drive me absolutely nuts until he returns? What if he decides to stay a prodigal for several years… am I going to let that drive me ever-loving mad? NO I must go back to the drawing board and find peace in the pain. I am not the only parent who has driven their child to rebellion to have to wait years for them to “see the light” pull their head and come to their senses.
I keep telling everyone else to live life and not take other people’s junk personal and I have fallen back into that trap. I have fallen back into the daily mundane idle traffic of the mind. I have to ask myself “do I really get it?” I have to get it… the alternative is just not acceptable. I can’t go back; I can’t be like the Israelites that wanted to go back to Egypt because the trek to the Promised Land was just too much trouble. Anything in life worth having comes with a price. It is up to me to rise up out of the mind traffic and live life… the happy peace-filled life I have dreamed my whole life of having. I was getting it. I have to get back up on the wagon and live… live my own life.
I believe that God is allowing me to have my own prodigal so I can truly understand the “father heart of God”. This is how HE feels when his creation continually turns their backs on Him and goes their own way.
God you know I am weak… You know and I know that in my own strength it is impossible for me to create peace and long term happiness without your help. So today, right now, I am recommitting myself to your plan the path you have set me on to walk. I choose your way… it is the only way. I know that any time I can come and cry out for help on this journey and you will be there for me…. Thank you.
I was reading an article in Good Housekeeping yesterday – it was the only thing in the bathroom to read. Jennifer Aniston was being interviewed by GH. She is into all things healthy. I thought to myself “what can Jennifer tell me to help improve my life?” Part of Jennifer’s fitness routine is that she does Hatha Yoga. Cutting to the chase… the beauty of yoga she says is getting into a contorted, often painful position then holding it through the pain…. and learning to find inner peace in the midst of it. She goes on to say how yoga has helped her in her everyday life… learning to find peace and contentment in the difficulty of life.
Some days I get so discouraged. I have been battling so long with unhealthy feelings toward my son that it has begun to rob me of life’s pleasure that I have worked so hard to develop. Why am I doing that; that is the old Bob. I have worked so hard in the last 6 months not to retreat backwards. Why…. Why am I letting that happen? Am I still fighting the need to be right? Am I going to let my prodigal son drive me absolutely nuts until he returns? What if he decides to stay a prodigal for several years… am I going to let that drive me ever-loving mad? NO I must go back to the drawing board and find peace in the pain. I am not the only parent who has driven their child to rebellion to have to wait years for them to “see the light” pull their head and come to their senses.
I keep telling everyone else to live life and not take other people’s junk personal and I have fallen back into that trap. I have fallen back into the daily mundane idle traffic of the mind. I have to ask myself “do I really get it?” I have to get it… the alternative is just not acceptable. I can’t go back; I can’t be like the Israelites that wanted to go back to Egypt because the trek to the Promised Land was just too much trouble. Anything in life worth having comes with a price. It is up to me to rise up out of the mind traffic and live life… the happy peace-filled life I have dreamed my whole life of having. I was getting it. I have to get back up on the wagon and live… live my own life.
I believe that God is allowing me to have my own prodigal so I can truly understand the “father heart of God”. This is how HE feels when his creation continually turns their backs on Him and goes their own way.
God you know I am weak… You know and I know that in my own strength it is impossible for me to create peace and long term happiness without your help. So today, right now, I am recommitting myself to your plan the path you have set me on to walk. I choose your way… it is the only way. I know that any time I can come and cry out for help on this journey and you will be there for me…. Thank you.
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