"It is because of things you have shared personally that I'm even willing to give Guy and God a chance to turn this around. I hope that Guy means it for his sake as much as mine."
These are the words from my good friend Lisa. This was part of a longer post to my Facebook profile. It happened to be blue day for me; I read the entire post and was crying at my desk. I know God promised me that I would get to share my story but I never realized the impact it would have to those who heard. I was and am very happy that Lisa has the courage to give her husband a second chance. She fully knows that rough roads await them. It wont be easy as he makes the important decisions to make the changes he must face. I think Lisa believes in what I have grown from and trusts the process and must be hopeful that her husband will respond the same way. I hope so too. I doubt he realizes how difficult life gets when you are that unhappy and make others lives unhappy also. I really love my life... I love where I have been and where I am going. I can only love and embrace the past because I know that God is using my past experiences for good in others lives. I would love to wish it away but I know God has a plan for all that baggage and junk. I am okay with it.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
a HUGE breakthrough... Yah!!
On the way home from church tonight, I was thinking about blogging. What is the theme for the day; what is the highlight that means something... to me. Tonight I had the hugest breakthrough.
I am not a person who likes the limelight on me, purposefully. Yah in a small crowd I enjoy being the clown, the one who will put out sarcastic barbs, but never where the light is on me and the whole room is staring at me. When I was in college, I had to maneuver to graduate. I needed a speech course to get my two year degree in Accounting. How lame. I have never needed to publicly speak to count beans and move them from pot to pot.
The parenting class that I have attended at church and our church youth group merged tonight. We had a panel of 4 adults and 4 kids answer questions; the parents answered questions the kids thought of.... the kids answered questions the parents thought up. Scott E asked me to sit on the panel. I had no fear. Where did the fear go? Not even a matter of months ago would I have told him no way... I cant be in front of a group of people without having anxiety. The cam lights were making me sweat and not nervousness; this is a good sign.
This is easy I thought. I moved around in my chair not squirming, but doing my normal restless stuff. I was choosy about the questions I was willing to answer. Let's play it safe. Then the question of questions was asked of the parents... "how did your parents parent that you said you would never do, but did anyway?" I made eye contact with Mikayla and I knew I was busted. I knew that I could not walk away without answering that question if not for my own courage builder but for her. I needed to show her I was no longer in bondage to the past.
When it was my turn to speak and the room quieted down, I took my normal second or two to gain courage and colllect my thoughts. I said it. Out loud in front of my peers, Mikayla, her friends, etc... I said "I grew up in a controlling home... I was parented with a lot of anger and frustration. I said that I would never be that way, but I did anyway. I parented the way I was modeled to." There out in the open. No more hiding. No shame. I had freedom and I know that deep down, although Mikayla did not say anything, I made a huge impact.
Scott E wanted to hear more. I assured him that there would be a time and place for me to share my "story". It will be at the appointed time, Gods time. It will be a perfect day. I am counting on the right people to be there. The pain that I have carried so long will not be for not......
I am not a person who likes the limelight on me, purposefully. Yah in a small crowd I enjoy being the clown, the one who will put out sarcastic barbs, but never where the light is on me and the whole room is staring at me. When I was in college, I had to maneuver to graduate. I needed a speech course to get my two year degree in Accounting. How lame. I have never needed to publicly speak to count beans and move them from pot to pot.
The parenting class that I have attended at church and our church youth group merged tonight. We had a panel of 4 adults and 4 kids answer questions; the parents answered questions the kids thought of.... the kids answered questions the parents thought up. Scott E asked me to sit on the panel. I had no fear. Where did the fear go? Not even a matter of months ago would I have told him no way... I cant be in front of a group of people without having anxiety. The cam lights were making me sweat and not nervousness; this is a good sign.
This is easy I thought. I moved around in my chair not squirming, but doing my normal restless stuff. I was choosy about the questions I was willing to answer. Let's play it safe. Then the question of questions was asked of the parents... "how did your parents parent that you said you would never do, but did anyway?" I made eye contact with Mikayla and I knew I was busted. I knew that I could not walk away without answering that question if not for my own courage builder but for her. I needed to show her I was no longer in bondage to the past.
When it was my turn to speak and the room quieted down, I took my normal second or two to gain courage and colllect my thoughts. I said it. Out loud in front of my peers, Mikayla, her friends, etc... I said "I grew up in a controlling home... I was parented with a lot of anger and frustration. I said that I would never be that way, but I did anyway. I parented the way I was modeled to." There out in the open. No more hiding. No shame. I had freedom and I know that deep down, although Mikayla did not say anything, I made a huge impact.
Scott E wanted to hear more. I assured him that there would be a time and place for me to share my "story". It will be at the appointed time, Gods time. It will be a perfect day. I am counting on the right people to be there. The pain that I have carried so long will not be for not......
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Blog 1
I have never blogged... but I have journaled... alot. I never reread a journal because when I journaled it was to release the crap from the inner most part of my being. To be honest to read a journal from say a year ago or two years ago I might be frightened by the nasty things I may have said. But in the end it is all good.
I asked myself why I need a blog. I really can't answer that fully other than the fact that it seems like a cool thing to do and I get to ramble about myself. More importantly I get to expose myself; where I have been, where I am and where I want to go in my life. I believe that a persons "story" is their testimony... an account of our lives good, bad, ugly etc. Somebody somewhere in this small world will read/hear my "story" and will be able to relate to my experiences and hopefully be helped by what they hear/read.
I feel like I am on a quest without a map. It is a total faith walk but I am not sure what I am believing for. I wake up in the morning and do the same routine, go to same job, and do the same thing month in and month out. Days turn into weeks, weeks months, and months years. Time has passed and I know that what I am doing is going to get me to my path; it just seems like I am spinning my wheels. What happens if I really get old and I am still in the same place of wonder. What if? Will I be tempted to think that my life was a waste?
My biggest fear lately was what do I do with the gifts and talents I have been given? What if I never figure it out and have to give an account for my time wasted and returning the gift unused? Maybe I am thinking this through too long and allowing myself to be self absorbed. No one wants to listen to a self absorbed person. I know that fear is my worst enemy... fear will neutralize our dreams, our desires, our longings. Once we are engulfed in fear we generally are unaware and stay trapped in its clutches. I know there are those who look fear in the face and laugh and never get sucked in. Perfect love casts our fear... O I know that in my heart but obviously I struggle with that in my head. You would think that when we are aware of that fear we would just simply rise above it and conquer. Who knows........................
I feel like I am on a quest without a map. It is a total faith walk but I am not sure what I am believing for. I wake up in the morning and do the same routine, go to same job, and do the same thing month in and month out. Days turn into weeks, weeks months, and months years. Time has passed and I know that what I am doing is going to get me to my path; it just seems like I am spinning my wheels. What happens if I really get old and I am still in the same place of wonder. What if? Will I be tempted to think that my life was a waste?
My biggest fear lately was what do I do with the gifts and talents I have been given? What if I never figure it out and have to give an account for my time wasted and returning the gift unused? Maybe I am thinking this through too long and allowing myself to be self absorbed. No one wants to listen to a self absorbed person. I know that fear is my worst enemy... fear will neutralize our dreams, our desires, our longings. Once we are engulfed in fear we generally are unaware and stay trapped in its clutches. I know there are those who look fear in the face and laugh and never get sucked in. Perfect love casts our fear... O I know that in my heart but obviously I struggle with that in my head. You would think that when we are aware of that fear we would just simply rise above it and conquer. Who knows........................
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