That which does not kill us makes us stronger. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Sometimes I question whether I mean that or not... That which does not kill us makes us stronger. What the heck ever I feel sometimes... that which is making me stronger may not be killing me but it sure creates pain. Can we really change without pain? If pain does not present itself do we resist change? In some situations, we are able to hear the truth or someones life experience and say I get it and do it... then there are the other areas where pain must be present in order for us to fully surrender. I really wish that was not so... but the voice of experience says it must be.

Surrender is the act of letting go of our own lives so that we can experience the life God wants for us. When we are not surrendered, when are heels are firmly dug in THAT is when it kills us... our will that is. A willful surrender does produce strength... strength of character. Oh I so get when we exercise our self will that we do die a slow painful death. God wants all of us.... body, soul, mind, spirit. When we are his he can pour himself into us AND we experience life to the fullest.....

Feeling restless...

I wish I understood restlessness.... I am sure it is God trying to tell me something, but sometimes I am so restless that I can't sit still to listen to His still small voice. Maybe I am just afraid of the answer. Maybe I just keep myself wound tight in my human thinking that I can't make that connection. Maybe I rev up the unwanted restless feeling by dancing around the real issue. I know one thing being restless serves its purpose... to force us inside ourselves.

Oh yes I know more psycho babble, but when we can be honest and ask ourselves the tough question of WHY, then we are primed for growth. In my life, I would feel restless, get frustrated, distract myself from the truth and do what I could to will away the "restless" feeling. Without the WHY being addressed and answered, the issue could never be resolved. OUCH you mean I was sourse of my own misery? In most cases yes... I really perfected the art of misery and then laughed about it... hoping that laughing would soften the blow of perpetual unhappiness.

Growth hurts... at times depended on the fight we put up. I now embrace that restless feeling... no that was a lie. I just know when it comes, it is time to ask WHY....

Undershirts...

I really hate wearing undershirts! Because I am long wasted, the undershirt, or T-shirt, is not long enough to stay tucked in under the dress shirt. The annoying part is the T shirt sits bunched up in my shirt and it bugs me all day. This business casual crap is for professional people. I am not professional people. "Those" people upstairs really have no problem conforming, but I am not a conformist and even though I submit on the outside, I cringe on the inside. I guess this is just a means to an end.

I often wonder how I am getting in the way of myself being in the right place in life. I feel like I have perservered through the hard stuff and have adjusted my thinking so that daily I can get up and function in the world and do the things God has called me to do. I know that every segment of "the journey" is seasonal so I trust that "this" is all seasonal too. I know that God is not confined by time which means I know that a season could be a few days all the way up to several years. I would like to trust that the wilderness is far enough in my past now that seasons dont equate to years.

Huh... a simple complaint about wearing an undershirt has forced me to contemplate where I am going in life. Well I will count my blessings that this moment of contemplation was not the result of the concusions I used to get from the 2x4's knocking me senseless in the past. T-shirt vs 2x4.... um I think I will take the nasty T-shirt...

passing...

A friend from my hometown of Newport, Oregon lost his dad today. The dad, Gene Bateman, contracted pneumonia and things just got complicated from there. It was his appointed time. I was not close to Mike nor his father, but I am impacted none the less. Mike posted this on his facebook tonight... "RIP Dad - the greatest man I have ever known. I love you." Those few words speak volumes. Mike was so blessed to have experienced that special father/son connection. Grief and sadness were in those few words.

After the initial sadness, I felt relief when my dad passed. There was no "rest in peace, dad" there was no "your the greatest man I have ever known." A pain-filled relationship that God has been delivering me from over time... for that I am grateful. No I will never get that experience that Mike had... BUT instead of getting the father/son relationship, He is empowering me to give the father/son or daughter relationship to my kids. I will be more blessed because I will get the opportunity to give IT away 3 times and then some to the lives of kids lives I touch... Which is really more meaningful...

A new year

Wow it is hard to believe that it is 2010; the start of new decade. As in all things in life that experience entropy, so does me and blogging. LOL. I went back to review old blogs and sometimes I really shock myself what I will put out to cyberworld for God and the whole world to see. No harm no fowl; its all good. In reality, since I only have a single follower, all I say is still pretty private.

Not sure I should recap from the last blog entry or just leave 2009 alone all together. Lets just say is started very rocky with me still suffering from bouts of anxiety, panic and a very rocky marriage to just about a 180 degree about face. So on a positive note... 2009 ended positive.

One highlight I will shed light on is youth group. No I am not digressing and attending youth group, but have been serving on the youth group staff for about 8 months now. For those of you who have known me most of my life, this may seem like an oxy-moron... Bob<=> youth group staff. I don't blame you for scratching your heads in bewilderment, because honestly I am too. BUT thanks be to God for delivering me from an emotionallly troubled passed and allowing me to minister to other peoples children. Beyond the cynicism, I am humbled and I realize I could not be where I am at without God and His amazing love for me. It is more than I can take sometimes.

I have been labled the old man of youth group. I am the oldest male leader at 46. Of course it does not help that I am balding and greying at the same time and the regular luggage under my eyes probably ages me a few years... but the spirit is still very young at heart. For now I will ride this amazing wave that God has me to ride. Wednesday nights are like the highlight of my week. I go eat dinner at church with the kids and then spend the next 1.5 hours worshipping and learning about God right along side of them.

It is so good. Another positive piece is added to the puzzle my of life. My eyes are open and look forward to adding new pieces as they become available to me. HE is so good to me.