Window Shopping... a lost art

When I was young, window shopping was something you would do when you wanted to buy something you could not afford. Instead of having a pity party about not having money, you simply would walk to the store and look at stuff... and after an hour or so you go home. No harm no foul. The store did not care, your parents did not care and you would walk away with a dream. A dream of having something you cant have today and getting excited about it. You would plan and dream and figure out how to save for that "thing". Time would pass and those anxious feelings would arise... when will I get my dream.

So church December 30, 2012, my whole entire family is sitting in our row about 8 rows from the front and us taking up 7 seats. On the outside it looks all Hallmark, but just below the service its multifunctional... and that is a step above kind. With Maria and I flanking the intense emotion in between. All players are having to deal with the feelings of betrayal and the wayward rebellion of my daughter. She is the Ruddiman prodigal, the one the parents thought was ready to read the slop of her life to come home... not physically home, but spiritually home to Papa.

The prodigal was not ready to come home to be greeted by her father. But we did get a glimpse. A long drawn out emotional moment between she and her brother. Its kind of like window shopping... we got to see what it will look like someday today. We will have to hold on to our glimpse and hope... of what the future will look like when the dream of having a family reunion is no longer just a dream.

Thank you Papa for the glimpse...

Way to be transformed.....

 I heard it said that most people walking in deception don't know it. I know that shouldn't be a revelation... but it is a revolutionary thought.  Our reality is based on what we believe to be true - so the real question is what do we believe is truth? Where are we anchoring our beliefs in?

After 3 months of schooling at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, I realize that the majority of my belief system was based in lies that I have listened to over the course of years. What I thought was based in biblical truth was mostly based upon lies I have listened to that appear real. Why do lies appear to be true. Lies seem real because they look like our current reality. When we view through our natural eyes we make judgements based upon what we think is real. So when we view someone or something our mind has a conversation that the enemy of our soul chimes in upon and reinforces what is not real.

So with that said... I realize that when Father God speaks truth about how He sees us, it takes an active choice to say yes that is true as apposed to believing what we have always believed about ourselves. I have had to ask myself why I would choose to doubt a loving Father that loves me more that I can put into words. When He speaks who I am and are to come, why have I, in the past, have said no thanks, I choose to believe that I am worthless and have no value. OUCH. Who says I am worthless and valueless? Wow I have been so self absorbed in me and my pain that I could not really embrace the real truth... Gods truth of who I am.

As I choose to believe Gods thoughts about who I am, I am begging to see things more clearly. It seems like I have more power to say no to lies about my identity. My identity is becoming rooted in what God thinks... He says I am royalty. I have honor because I am honorable. I am a son because He adopted me first. He loved me before I ever loved Him. This is revolutionizing my world....

A new way of thinking

Acts 3:16 By faith in the name of Jesus, this man (the cripple) whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus' name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him, as you can all see....

I read this scripture, of course in context, and it troubles me somewhat. I have prayed for healing for people in the past and nothing happens. Is it because I don't have faith that when I pray God will move. The Holy Spirit that lives inside of me is the same spirit that resided in Peter and John when Peter spoke for the cripple to rise and walk. The scripture says instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. I think it really boils down to a persons unbelief.... God wants to heal the sick of our generation... all he is asking his kids to do is be the vessel that will pray in Jesus' name and He will do the rest. We dont do anything but pray in Jesus name and trust that God will show up and do what the word says He will do. How hard is that?

Our generation has been duped to believe that if we dont receive instantaneous healing that there is a lesson to be learned and God wants to show us something. But God desires for his kids to be delivered from sickness and pain.

I really believe that we must point ourselves in that direction and not allow our minds to trip us over the stones of disbelief. Doubt and unbelief is us giving a small opening for the enemy of our souls to rip us off. When we choose to believe that God desires for our physical bodies to be healed and we stay fixed on that, then the enemy can not have a foot hold in that area. He must flee.

Hmmm.... when I am in His presence I have no doubts. I think that I need to learn to be in His presence all day not just a designated window of time earmarked for God. How can we give into doubt and unbelief when our eyes are fixed on Jesus and we are focused on His promises for our lives. Something I really need to meditate on....

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Sometimes I question whether I mean that or not... That which does not kill us makes us stronger. What the heck ever I feel sometimes... that which is making me stronger may not be killing me but it sure creates pain. Can we really change without pain? If pain does not present itself do we resist change? In some situations, we are able to hear the truth or someones life experience and say I get it and do it... then there are the other areas where pain must be present in order for us to fully surrender. I really wish that was not so... but the voice of experience says it must be.

Surrender is the act of letting go of our own lives so that we can experience the life God wants for us. When we are not surrendered, when are heels are firmly dug in THAT is when it kills us... our will that is. A willful surrender does produce strength... strength of character. Oh I so get when we exercise our self will that we do die a slow painful death. God wants all of us.... body, soul, mind, spirit. When we are his he can pour himself into us AND we experience life to the fullest.....

Feeling restless...

I wish I understood restlessness.... I am sure it is God trying to tell me something, but sometimes I am so restless that I can't sit still to listen to His still small voice. Maybe I am just afraid of the answer. Maybe I just keep myself wound tight in my human thinking that I can't make that connection. Maybe I rev up the unwanted restless feeling by dancing around the real issue. I know one thing being restless serves its purpose... to force us inside ourselves.

Oh yes I know more psycho babble, but when we can be honest and ask ourselves the tough question of WHY, then we are primed for growth. In my life, I would feel restless, get frustrated, distract myself from the truth and do what I could to will away the "restless" feeling. Without the WHY being addressed and answered, the issue could never be resolved. OUCH you mean I was sourse of my own misery? In most cases yes... I really perfected the art of misery and then laughed about it... hoping that laughing would soften the blow of perpetual unhappiness.

Growth hurts... at times depended on the fight we put up. I now embrace that restless feeling... no that was a lie. I just know when it comes, it is time to ask WHY....

Undershirts...

I really hate wearing undershirts! Because I am long wasted, the undershirt, or T-shirt, is not long enough to stay tucked in under the dress shirt. The annoying part is the T shirt sits bunched up in my shirt and it bugs me all day. This business casual crap is for professional people. I am not professional people. "Those" people upstairs really have no problem conforming, but I am not a conformist and even though I submit on the outside, I cringe on the inside. I guess this is just a means to an end.

I often wonder how I am getting in the way of myself being in the right place in life. I feel like I have perservered through the hard stuff and have adjusted my thinking so that daily I can get up and function in the world and do the things God has called me to do. I know that every segment of "the journey" is seasonal so I trust that "this" is all seasonal too. I know that God is not confined by time which means I know that a season could be a few days all the way up to several years. I would like to trust that the wilderness is far enough in my past now that seasons dont equate to years.

Huh... a simple complaint about wearing an undershirt has forced me to contemplate where I am going in life. Well I will count my blessings that this moment of contemplation was not the result of the concusions I used to get from the 2x4's knocking me senseless in the past. T-shirt vs 2x4.... um I think I will take the nasty T-shirt...

passing...

A friend from my hometown of Newport, Oregon lost his dad today. The dad, Gene Bateman, contracted pneumonia and things just got complicated from there. It was his appointed time. I was not close to Mike nor his father, but I am impacted none the less. Mike posted this on his facebook tonight... "RIP Dad - the greatest man I have ever known. I love you." Those few words speak volumes. Mike was so blessed to have experienced that special father/son connection. Grief and sadness were in those few words.

After the initial sadness, I felt relief when my dad passed. There was no "rest in peace, dad" there was no "your the greatest man I have ever known." A pain-filled relationship that God has been delivering me from over time... for that I am grateful. No I will never get that experience that Mike had... BUT instead of getting the father/son relationship, He is empowering me to give the father/son or daughter relationship to my kids. I will be more blessed because I will get the opportunity to give IT away 3 times and then some to the lives of kids lives I touch... Which is really more meaningful...